Welcome to Ask Polly, the UK’s first poly advice column! We invite readers to send poly-related questions to our resident columnist, Polly, and she’ll do her very best to offer advice. You’re also very much encouraged to join the conversation in the comments. Polly can be contacted by email, on polly at polytical dot org, or via Polytical’s facebook or twitter. Ask Polly will be published twice a month, and you can read more here.
Hi Polly,
So, I’m sort of seeing this lady. We’ve hooked up a couple of times, realised we actually like each other a whole lot, and I’ve just moved abroad for a few months: so we’re keeping in touch with the tentative understanding that if things work out we’ll go on a date when I come back and see what happens from there.
She has a boyfriend, and they’re in an open relationship: I know him, he knows about me, that’s all fine, and he has another girlfriend. The lady I’m sort-of seeing doesn’t really seem to know whether she wants an open relationship or a polyamorous one, and said she’d explore the latter if and when it came up. Seems to me this all has the potential to work out fine. The thing is this: I’ve never been in a relationship before.
I always thought I’d start out as poly with a primary of my own, rather than as someone’s secondary
I don’t know whether I’m monogamous or polyamorous. I think I could be happy in either kind of relationship, but I did always think that if I did want to be in a polyamorous relationship, I’d want it to come from the perspective of having a primary partner of my own, rather than being someone’s secondary partner. And it feels like this could be a whole different sort of coming out and redefining myself than I even did when I came out as a lesbian – will people want to date me? what will my parents say? what if I later meet someone with whom I’d like to be monogamous?
But the thing is, I really like this woman, and I don’t want to pass up what might be really great because of a hypothetical non-absolute boundary I thought up in my head or because I’m scared of what other people will think. And in any relationship isn’t there always the possibility that things won’t work out and someone will end up getting hurt?
I’m still trying to figure it all out. What do you think?
Yours,
Potentially Poly Padawan
Hi Padawan!
Thanks for your email: you’ve brought up quite a few really interesting points, which I’m going to break down and think about separately.
So, first, let’s talk about labels.
I like your considering polyamory over monogamy as being a new kind of coming out and redefining: like queer sexuality, poly is a relationship style that differs from the mainstream default, it’s seen by other people as unusual and there’s generally a whole lot of ‘are you sure?’ and ‘how did you come to this decision?’ that people who are het and mono don’t receive.
The great thing about non-monogamy is that you can write your own template
Now, being a bisexual poly switchy stereotype myself, I’m inclined towards worrying less about permanent labels, hard rules and committing to a practice forever: being involved with poly people doesn’t mean you’re suddenly poly and will be for all time. Don’t think of this as a huge life change and something you’re suddenly taking on as an identity simply by starting to explore the practice: this is something you can explore, see how it goes, change your mind later, readjust, change it back again. The great thing about non-monogamy (and any situation where you’re stepping out of a default relationship style, really) is that you can write your own template, and change it.
Next, let’s talk about starting out as poly.
You’re new to this, and it sounds like she’s fairly new too. If you decide to go for it and date, I’d make it a priority to keep each other informed of where you’re both at in terms of poly stuff: talk about it, check in, make changes where they’d be useful. Now, you say you’re not sure whether you can be poly, and it could well be that you start dating, find her having another partner difficult, and stop dating. As you say, though, relationships break up for all manner of reasons.
In general, I’ve also found that pre-existing partners aren’t too difficult a thing in terms of jealousy: it’s far trickier to adjust to new partners. So, it’s worth knowing whether she, and you, intend to date around more, and to be prepared for that. One situation that commonly arises is that a new partner can lead to a shift in priorities (or time) for her – perhaps before you two will have been dating three times a week, and she readjusts her time and priorities with the addition of a shiny new partner such that your relationship receives less time and energy: maybe now you only hang out once a week, during which she only talks about her new shiny.
establish concrete markers such as ‘we’d like to hang out two evenings a week’
Furthermore, it can be really difficult for non-primary partners to ask their partners to do things like slow down, check in lots, get blessing/consent before escalating the new relationship, and so on, where primary partners might have that privilege. (This ties into my next point.) So, there’s one example of stuff that poly people often find tricky to deal with, and I’d recommend talking about where you’re at in the relationship lots (how you feel, what you’d like, whether you’d like to change anything), and establish concrete, tangible markers such as ‘we’d like to hang out two evenings a week’ and ‘here’s our plan for keeping our relationship important and burning should a new person come in.’
Lastly, we need to talk about being a secondary. This is big. This is tricky.
Stories abound of secondary partners being utterly screwed over by the privileging of a primary couple’s relationship
Being a secondary can be really, really rubbish, and you’re right to feel apprehensive about it. Stories abound of secondary partners being utterly screwed over by the privileging of a primary couple’s relationship: their needs are ignored, their timetables are messed around, they might be stood up last-minute on dates as soon as the primary needs support or feels jealous, there might be silly rules as to what you’re allowed to do in bed or on dates, and there could even be a veto. If things don’t work out, the couple may never speak to the secondary again. None of this is ethical, okay or acceptable, but sadly it is all too common.
If this couple don’t have much experience with maintaining other relationships, I’d advise staying the hell away. They will make mistakes, communicate badly, stomp over everyone’s emotions and there will be a lot of hurt feelings – all this is a standard and inevitable part of moving from mono towards poly but really, you don’t want to be the guinea pig. Don’t ever be someone’s first other relationship.
Even if they do have reasonable experience, and aren’t stompy (and you could totally ask for references: get in touch with an ex or existing secondary and have a chat), have a good long think about your boundaries and what you’d like (and write yourself notes), make them really clear, and make it really clear if they’re broken. For example, you might like at least two days’ notice of a cancelled date (unless it’s an emergency), and you’d like the person cancelling the date (you or her) to take the initiative and do the work to make it up within a week of the cancelled date. Or you might not want to accept her partner setting rules as what you are and aren’t allowed to do in bed. Be ready to walk away if you are messed around. Make that clear.
Do not hang around and rely on this person to meet your relationship needs, because she sure as heck won’t be relying on you
Do not hang around and rely on this person to meet your relationship needs, because she sure as heck won’t be relying on you. You’ve already clocked that you might prefer to start out as poly with a primary of your own: having your own primary is a brilliant, solid base of emotional closeness from which you can play with dating and casual dalliances and the like. Without one (well, with one too, but you know), make sure that you have a really solid base of your own independent excellentness. This advice applies for any dating, ever, of course: maintain your own, separate friendships, do your own stuff, generally be a very cool person who does not need this relationship to feel fulfilled, but who is engaging in it because that’s a nice fun extra on top of her cool independent life.
make sure you have a really solid base of independence … be a cool person who does not need this relationship to feel fulfilled
Of course, not having a primary can also make dating, playing and generally frolicking with lots of people a bit easier: some people find this to be their preferred model for starting out as poly (though the more common model is opening a primary relationship) and many people actively maintain their dating lives for years with several secondaries and no primary, preferring this as a more casual and independent model. You might find that you prefer this arrangement, and you’ll be in good company.
So there’s all that! Don’t worry about labels, think about your relationship style and boundaries, be careful about being a secondary. Good luck, and let me know how it goes if you like!
With love,
Polly
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