Welcome to Ask Polly, the UK’s first poly advice column! We invite readers to send poly-related questions to our resident columnist, Polly, and she’ll do her very best to offer advice. You’re also very much encouraged to join the conversation in the comments. Polly can be contacted by email, on polly at polytical dot org, or via Polytical’s Facebook or twitter. Ask Polly will be published twice a month, and you can read more here.
Dear Polly,
How do I come out to my moderately conservative parents?
I’ve just spent the Christmas break biting my tongue whenever my love life and plans for the future come up, and it was driving me up the wall. I’d like to be honest with them, but I’m afraid they won’t take it well, and while I don’t risk a ‘dangerous’ reaction I don’t particularly want to upset them.
I have an established partner whom they know, and I’ve just started a second relationship. I’m thinking about bringing my established partner into the conversation, so they can communicate to my parents that they’re happy with the arrangement.
They’re moderately socially conservative, not religious, and well-educated. Previous attempts to bring up the subject of non-monogamy in an abstract, ‘I’ve got this friend’ way have been met with disapproval: the words ‘immoral’ and ‘disrespectful’ were used and Mormons were alluded to.
Any tips or tricks appreciated,
Yours, Pathologically Honest
Hi PH,
You know, generally I’m inclined towards advising people to think twice before coming out. Not coming out can actually be a really useful and valid course of action – it could well avoid lots of difficulty and awkwardness, and it could be quite easy for you to cast your established partner has your only one, and to refer to other important people in your life as close friends. Your parents are asking about your love life? You could talk about your established partner. They’re asking about future plans? Chat about your career, and friendships, and your partner. That said, it sounds like you’ve thought about this a whole lot, and of course you’re far more informed than I am, so here are a whole bunch of tips that can make your life easier if you decide that you do want to come out.
How To Come Out
Have you come out before, for example, as queer? How did it go? How did they respond, what sorts of questions did they ask? If not, think about what you know of them, and what sorts of objections they might have and questions they might ask, and be ready to respond to them.
Phrase this as something you’ve decided, for yourself, after lots of careful thought and conversation. Don’t let it turn into a debate about whether polyamory as a lifestyle is morally right or wrong: this is about you and your choices, and coming out is about getting them to understand and respect that, not to immediately think poly is brilliant and should be practised by everyone. Introduce it as something that’s working well for the moment, rather than an entire lifestyle you’ve taken on until you die.
If your established partner is a primary, emphasise that. Phrase it as being an open relationship, and that your partner is really important, and that you still intend on being with them long-term (if you do.) The idea here is to appear as ‘normal’ and mainstream as possible: surround your primary relationship with a white picket fence. Look ordinary.
Don’t introduce too much new terminology. Say you and your partner have an open relationship, and that you’re both free to date other people, and that you both spend lots of time talking about this and making sure everyone is comfortable. If you have, you could mention that you’ve met and spoken with other people for whom this kind of thing has been working well for decades.
If it’d help to reference other examples of happy poly situations that they may have heard of, point out Tilda Swinton, Will Smith, and the Millennium Trilogy. Queers have been using this technique for decades: it’s a good one for convincing people that we’re just as ordinary and respectable as anyone else.
How To Answer Their Questions
Be available to answer their questions: make plenty of time to do so, show that you’re adult and responsible and that you’ve thought a whole lot about this (and say that explicitly too.)
They probably haven’t come across open, honest, ethical non-monogamy before, and they’ll immediately associate the idea of open relationships with the occasional horror stories and rumours they’ve heard before. Be ready to stress that this isn’t polygamy (the Mormon stereotype, also wrong, by the way), and this isn’t about free love. You’re carefully and mindfully opening your relationship to the possibility of other relationships: you’re not indiscriminately shagging people everywhere. If they ask about sex parties and threesomes, deny everything and point out that poly isn’t about sex, it’s about relationships. If they don’t ask, don’t mention sex parties at all (you really don’t want to give them ideas.)
They might ask about jealousy, and about whether you’re really okay with your partner dating others: answer honestly, show them you’ve thought about it, and it’s okay to say that it’s tricky and that you’re working on it.
If you’re already not planning on getting married and having kids, that’s nothing to do with poly – point this out, stay patient. They’ll ask if you plan to be poly forever, and might hope you’ll settle down eventually: you can acknowledge that of course you don’t know how you’ll feel in the future, but at the moment, this is working well, and you plan to continue as you are.
They Won’t Change
Despite all this, they will probably still dismiss this as a phase and something you’ll grow out of, and hope that you’ll settle down monogamously soon. They’ll remain judgemental of other non-monogamous people, and stay as conservative as they are. If you share relationship troubles with them, however subtle your explanations, they’ll blame the non-monogamy. They’ll also probably urge you to stay closeted because of work, and they’ll be worried about friends judging you and gossip getting around. Your choices around being open at work and socially are your own, but you don’t need to tell them that you’re openly poly elsewhere.
Don’t take all this too personally: your aim is for them to hear and accept your choices. Once you’ve come out and answered their questions, give them some space. Don’t bring non-monogamy up all the time. Don’t talk lots about your other partners or your fun weekends at poly conferences.
How To Support Yourself And Stay Safe
I’ve been recommending that you bend the truth and omit facts quite significantly, and occasionally that you lie. I know doing this just isn’t an option for many people. If you come out, and you come out all the way, and you tell them everything… it might be quite a lot for them to take. They may take it badly. Your relationship with them may change significantly and irreparably. I’m sorry. This is really hard.
I’m now going to say a whole bunch of what will sound like pretty scary stuff. I’m sure they’re very nice people and I believe you when you say this isn’t a dangerous situation. I need to say this for other readers, and I also think this is important stuff to bear in mind regardless of your situation.
Are you dependent on them in any way, for example, financially? If you’re going to come out, get independent of them or be ready to become so quite quickly. Make sure your friends and partners will support you, make sure you can support yourself. They might cut you off. They might disown you. They might take it so badly that you won’t want to engage with them again. I’m sure they’re lovely, but you just don’t know. Be prepared to break up with them over this.
Think about physical space and safety. If you’re coming out in their house, do it on a day when you won’t be staying that night (for example, at the end of a visit.) Having your established partner there with you can really help keep things calm. Have a bag ready near the door in case things go badly and you need to leave. Keep your phone and wallet in your pocket in case you have to leave before then. Don’t be afraid to just walk out if they respond badly: it is not okay for them to shout at you, make accusations, call you names. I know you’ve said this isn’t a dangerous situation, but think about an escape plan anyway, and make your boundaries clear to them if you need to: accusations and yelling are not okay in any situation. Their being upset is not an excuse. Walk out, stay out, chat with them on the phone in a few hours.
Beforehand, make arrangements to phone, or have coffee with, a friend who understands stuff immediately afterwards – take space to rant about all the awful stuff they said, to bitch to someone who understands, to relax and de-stress.
Lastly, I’ll emphasise again: you don’t need to come out. If you’re unsure, or feel at all unsafe, you can postpone it for now. This isn’t something you owe it to them to do. If you do decide to come out, I wish you the very best of luck and hope it goes well!
With love,
Polly
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Tags: advice Author Name: polly