What it means to be polyamorous

I have been poly half my life. I find myself wanting to say it's been my entire life, but that would not be completely honest. I was a deeply insecure monogamous person until I was in my twenties. I got married, cheated and spent what seemed like a lifetime terrified that she was doing to me what I was doing to her.

When I stepped out of my previous mindset and onto the comedy stage, a wonderful metamorphosis took place and my inner poly was released. I developed a sense of purpose and a confidence I never dared imagine possible. I began to forge relationships that were designed to be open.

Initially, I had a don't ask/don't tell approach and when that failed me, I began to look for women who seemed to want to share and talk about other sexual exploits. Eventually, I thought that truly poly women were not only hard to find but may not actually exist at all. Every relationship I had would eventually become strained under its design and she would depart, albeit usually on amicable terms.

I had come to accept that I would simply live through a series of one to three year relationships that would each eventually end when the woman tired of sharing me. It wasn't hard to find women who claimed to be poly and/or open relationship-oriented but jealousy and control would eventually creep in.

After a series of failed medium and short term relationships, mostly open as well as one last attempt at monogamous marriage, I met a woman who, like me, had never truly been faithful in a relationship. She was also an atheist, a skeptic and an amazingly secure woman. I had found a truly poly mate and we fell deeply in love. It was a dream come true.

Marriage is something that Laney and I both have no interest in. I sired a child early in life, and she too had become an unintentional mother and chose adoption. We seemed like a perfect fit from the beginning and it has become ever more true that we are.

Once Laney and I had agreed to be a primary couple and she moved in with me, everything was as it should be. We are a loving couple with no jealousies and very little conflict. We are both in pursuit of another relationship at the moment. Since coupling, I have had one other relationship that has come and gone, and Laney has had two. Each ended due to varying degrees of inability on the part of the other to be truly poly. This is not to say that Laney and I have it all figured out; but we have certainly encountered the continued difficulty in maintaining fully healthy secondary relationships.

Being poly has its advantages and its… well, that's it. It is just so ideal. Laney and I simply do not understand why any society would choose to eliminate the courtship process from its diet.  It just doesn't make sense to us. We are both skeptics and we tend to apply logic to all aspects of our lives. Monogamy loses the logic test and polyamory wins.

With monogamy you tend to see unfulfilled sexual needs, jealousy, insecurities and adultery.

Polyamory by design, helps us remove jealousy and insecurity. Laney claims she doesn't experience jealousy at all, and I was fortunate enough to eliminate it from my process once I dealt with and eliminated the insecurities that plagued my relationships. I was a generally insecure person for many years. However, I was fortunate enough to develop into a pretty successful professional comedian, and it was that process which chased away most of my insecurities.

I believe insecurity is the root issue that humans have to contend with. It is from this problem that all other interpersonal issues arise. If we can curb and quell the insecure inner voice, we can overcome all our personal issues.

Being polyamorous keeps me grounded where insecurities are concerned. Laney often reminds me through word and action that she loves and cares for me deeply. In previous relationships, a kind of apathy set in and that secure feeling can begin to slip away. Laney knows the importance of saying how she feels every day because she knows I see her in a state of courtship with others and she does not want to fall into a routine that leads to taking each other for granted.

This demonstrates yet another way that being poly is healthy. There is a kind of competition that is always in play, and we are reminded that our partner has options. Should we treat each other with a level of care and respect that is not up to par with other relationships, we may slip away from each other; I know I don't want to lose Laney.

And how can that be bad on any level? There is nothing but upside in a relationship where both partners stay in a state of love and courtship throughout the life of the relationship. Why should that dissipate? Who doesn't love being loved and being reminded that they are very important?

If Laney is not in a sexual mood sometimes I can't hold any animosity for her that builds up into resentment as long as I am free to go get what I am needing elsewhere. In fact, more often I feel a love and connection for having that freedom whether I exercise it or not.

As for cheating, there isn't much to say on the obvious and vast difference our lifestyle affords us. I know I am not the first to say it, but it bares restating: the only difference between married and poly people is the poly are honest about their extramarital relationships.

That’s not to say poly people can't cheat; of course we can. If I am dishonest with my wife about a sexual encounter or relationship for any reason, that's what cheating is to us. Laney and I have a very honest relationship. We do not have relationships about which the other is unaware. I learned with my first open relationship that the “don't ask, don't tell policy” only leads to less communication and eventual disharmony. The poor girl thought I was getting laid every time I left the house. She was driven to a level of insecurity that actually made her sick and in the end, I learned that she was just trying to wait me out. She was hoping I would tire of others and eventually just be hers. It was very sad.

So, Laney and I are a very happy, poly couple, and we are both geared to live this lifestyle. I had to wait until I was in my forties to find a truly poly woman. It is my sincerest hope that others find their match as Laney and I have and that they may find the blissful happiness that she and I share.