Trans and Poly – How Poly Made me a Better Gay-Orientated Man
No, this is not a tell-all story about my transition. In fact, I don’t really feel that I even have/need transition in terms of my masculinity or ‘maleness’. Sure, there were times I stole superhero underwear from my *cismale cousins, in order to affirm my maleness when I was 8, but that is a different story. Actually, I felt more of a transition in terms of overcoming hetero-monogamous norms to polyamory thinking. It was rather easy to overcome the gender norms that influenced my upbringing, my self-esteem, and in some ways my depression. However, it took me about 4 years to learn about healthy relationships, let alone polyamory.
I was becoming a gay rights activist at the age of 16, and on one excursion to Borders with my Mother (she promised to buy me one gay book), and I came across The Ethical Slut. It had promises of sex-positivity, which was a word I was just peeking into on the fringe of “über-liberal” gay rights. Granted, our area was rather conservative gay orientated; we worked to get married, only because we believe in monogamous, happy, and not in support of effeminate male/masculine female “stereotypes”. In one sitting I finished the book, and I ended up asking myself a lot of hard questions. A lot of them couldn’t be answered at the time, and continued my monogamous dating until I was left heartbroken at the age of 18. I was cheated on, and I found myself saying (in a sort of ‘I have the last say’ sort of way), “If you just told me you wanted to sleep with her, I would have said yes.”
Now what made me say that? I was already starting to question the status quo. I was already knee-deep in what we call (in our South East Coast scene/community), “Gay Trick Drama”: who’s dating whom, who’s cheating on whom, and who was looking for a pick-me-up fuck. I was watching the same patterns of jealousy, cheating, and non-communication replay over again like a bad sports announcer segment. It wasn’t until I found a few poly bisexual men that made me do a double take. They had a quad, were very mature and about my age, two were in college while one was an artist and the other a barista. I was finally seeing positive, emotionally healthy relationships. With the Ethical Slut tucked under one arm, and a dashing pair of pink Superman briefs in the other, I was heading to higher waters of activism and self-exploration.
The polyamory community has brought me a lot of like-minded folks, discussing anti-racism, heteronormativity, transgender rights, questioning norms, anti-capitalism, and even a few self-help books here and there. Of course, there are a few snark-worthy moments, but I feel absolutely changed by being poly, and have brought in a wealth of friendships, lovers (both good and bad), and activist strategies. I was able to grow and be comfortable in my body and identity: a primarily gay-identified (though woman loving too) effeminate male that found a community where identities were explored and flexible.
*cismale is to denote a male-identified-in-male-body experience. It is an offset to cisgender, in which Julia Serano explains quite eloquently here. ( http://juliaserano.livejournal.com/14700.html )
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