I first encountered the term “polyamory” six years ago in a fairly unsupportive essay written by a journalist. I had been toying with the ideals of non-monogamy since I was an adolescent, but I had no idea that an entire community of people had been doing the same thing. My now-husband and I had been skeptical about monogamy since we started dating at 18, but we weren't exactly sure how to move from skeptical monos to... something else. And who were these polyamorous people anyway?
My introduction to real-life polyamory occurred two years later, and coincided with my attendance at my first pagan gathering. Many pagan gatherings are poly-friendly, but this small (120 people), fairly clandestine gathering that I will refer to as the Gathering was nearly just plain poly: the best-attended workshops there were the “bi-poly rap sessions” where people processed the challenges of poly life (I didn't go). I had never been anywhere before where people routinely asked me, after learning I was married, “So are you mono or poly?” I wasn't sure how to answer the question. If I had known the term, I would have said I was polycurious, but instead I just admitted that I didn't exactly know.
Polyamory at the Gathering looked so complicated! The relationship dynamics looked more three-dimensional than linear. At some point, I began to suspect that at least a third—and possibly more—of the people there had slept with each other at some point. They were warm and affectionate, and deliciously open about sex. It took a lot of getting used to, but once I did, I loved it. The Gathering remains the only place I have ever been (aside from smaller gatherings of close friends) where I genuinely feel like I belong. Clearly, “poly” deserved more of my consideration, because if these people could do it, surely so could I.
My ideas about poly life and culture were indelibly shaped by my experiences and first impressions at the Gathering. Though I have now met many other poly people, including many who are not pagan, I still think of the Gathering as quintessential PolyWorld—a sort-of pagan polyamorous utopia. My best friend (“platonic secondary”) Perspicacious also embarked upon a poly life through the Gathering at about the same time that I did, which only reinforced my impression that PolyWorld and the Gathering are one and the same. As I'm sure most of my readers are aware, the term 'polyamory' is credited to the Ravenhearts, who are themselves pagans, and the overlap between the poly community and the pagan community has remained strong throughout polyamory's short history. Several people at the Gathering are some of the oldest polyamorists and are prominent members of the community. But I know that PolyWorld is much, much larger.
When I talk about PolyWorld, I am referring the cherished values and ideas of people who identify as polyamorous: in short, the poly subculture. Many people are non-monogamous, but only some of those non-monogamous folks are poly. My gay brother-in-law badly wants to be poly, but can't really find any poly gay men[1]. His predicament highlights the fact that poly people are united by more than their desire to have “relationships” (whatever that means) with more than one person. Specific subcultural norms mean that PolyWorld is disproportionately composed of educated, White, non-Christian bisexual women and heterosexual/flexible men. Moreover, I would wager that maybe 1 poly-identified person in every 100 supports abstinence-only education and about the same percentage (1%) does not support gay marriage. As long as poly folks remain such a small minority group, it is relatively easy to make generalizations about the poly subculture.
The smallness of PolyWorld is one of its most salient characteristics. My friends and I joke about “playing Poly Chart.” This “game” is a reference to one of the themes in the L-Word where a character charts six degrees of sexual separation among lesbians. When we meet new poly people, we try to connect them to us and others we know. In Poly Chart, one rarely finds six degrees of separation from other poly people (hardcore polyfis excepted); indeed, one rarely finds three. These intimate networks create and reinforce tight bonds between poly people and foster a heightened sense of shared community—while occasionally masking major differences in personal practices and preferences.
I like to think of myself as a PolyWorld explorer and adventurer. My PolyWorld is not necessarily your PolyWorld. Polyamory is such a new and rapidly shifting identity/identity movement/lifestyle that I tend to think that the term “polyamory” should carry a warning label underneath that says “Warning: Identity Under Construction.” It's one reason I'm so twitterpated with it.
[1] If there are any poly gay guys reading this, or poly bi guys who actually like to have relationships with guys, you really should get in touch with him. He's the token gay guy on fetlife (noticing a trend here?): MattNC.
Categories: Viewpoints Tags: personal story, poly, polyamory, Submissions, relationship, self awareness, polyamoury, archetypes, pagan