Opening Up

I’ve written a lot recently about jealousy and dealing with strong emotions in a poly dynamic. These past writings have gotten me thinking about polyamory from a different perspective–that being that if writers generally write what they know (and I do) then I myself have been dealing with a lot of really strong emotions and reactions, both on my own and in my triad. In the article “Jealousy in a Poly Dynamic” I noted that there are several resources within the poly community to help with things like this–the site you’re on for instance, as well as many others mentioned in that piece. In some instances, though, when someone has exhausted all the resources at their disposal (I’ve read “How to become a Secure Person” by Franklin Veaux so much I basically have it memorized) going with a good old standby can be the best medicine. That (and a recommendation by a friend) is what led me to Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.

Opening Up is by no means a new book–its first edition was published in 2008–it is however, or at least it should be a staple on everyone’s poly bookshelf. The book offers some valuable advice in the later chapters for how to handle the choppy waters that can come with an open/polyamorous relationship–including chapters on relationship contracts, jealousy and compersion. Before all of that, however, the book’s first section–“Choosing an Open Relationship”–describes the history and myths of polyamory (not to be confused with non-monogamy) across the first two chapters. The material is pretty standard fare for those already active in the poly community or in poly relationships–it is good information for someone new to the idea, however. By Chapter 4 “What Makes an Open Relationship Work”, the book has found its stride. This chapter covers the importance of self-awareness, communication, honesty and boundaries. Perhaps most important, though, is the section included on non-violent communication. Defining what NVC is as well as how to employ it in your current and future relationships will be extremely eye opening for some readers. The tools of NVC, for example are especially useful.

Section 2 of Opening Up–“Styles of Open Relationships”–is perhaps most clearly directed at those new to the idea of open relationships, polyamory or other variations of non-monogamy. Entire chapters devoted to “Partnered Non-Monogamy”, “Swinging”, “Polyamory”, “Polyfidelity”, and the various combinations of polyamory and monogamy give a thorough background to the reader. This has the effect of allaying many fears that someone new to open relationships may have that what they are desiring is “wrong” or “taboo.” Additionally, it lets everyone know that just because they want multiple partners doesn’t mean they have to be polyamorous–there is a place in the community for having a triad or quad that remains “faithful” within their group as well as those that want to swing or just hook up. Allaying these fears is a big step for a lot of people that I have talked to.

Once the reader is armed with the tools to make an open relationship work as well as identifying the type of open relationship that is called for, the reader is ready to start doing the work. Section 3: “Creating and Sustaining Your Relationships” does just that. Starting off with designing the relationship in Chapter 11–this introduces the reader to exploring the concepts of the terms of their open relationship. Establishing the boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable about the who, what, when and where of adding people to your relationship. Also in Chapter 11, the concept of a “relationship contract” is introduced–the rules that you and your partner(s) must live by in your open relationship. Chapter 12 is arguably the most useful chapter in the book. “Jealousy and Other Intense Feelings” does something that a lot of people new to poly as well as a lot of people very experienced in poly still fail to do. It acknowledges that jealousy, insecurity, and fear of abandonment are real and will happen–whether you have been open/poly for 20 days or 20 years. Recognizing the strength of emotions and their ability to manipulate us or alter our thinking can make even the most successful poly relationship vulnerable–no matter how long you’ve been involved. Section 3 goes on to explain compersion, coming out to friends and family about being polyamorous, raising children and even revisiting the entire process if you are in an open/poly relationship and you are looking to open up again.

Opening Up may very possibly have been written for an audience new to the idea of an open/poly relationship–I’d have to ask Tristan Taormino. The point is it’s a book that should be read by those new to the lifestyle and should be re-read once they’ve lived it for a time. It should be read by those living an open/poly life because sometimes, revisiting these very basic concepts reminds us that the nature of the life we live is changing and we must change with it. Re-learning how to communicate with someone important to us may be the key to keeping our relationships healthy. Opening Up offers a road map to do that, no matter what part of the road we're on.