Mentors

Poly role models are few and far between in the mainstream. I can probably name the references to polyamory I’ve seen in the mainstream media on one hand. It’s also a pretty hush-hush topic in most communities. Growing up, my family had a friend who was polyamorous. When I asked about her partners, my parents hastily told me that her relationships were private.

It’s not hard to feel alone and abnormal when you’re young and poly, don’t live in a poly-friendly community, cannot easily find people to date, and don’t see many positive poly role models. The lack of age-appropriate people to date is especially problematic.

As I’ve said in a previous article, and as many of you have probably noticed, there is an age disparity in the poly community. Most poly people are at least out of college, many much older than college-aged. Fortunately, every cloud has a silver lining. We young polys can take advantage of this (sometimes challenging) situation. This is where mentors come in. If you’re young and lamenting the fact that everyone who is poly is older than you, there is no reason not to find that silver lining. Older poly people are often happy to provide guidance. If you don’t have specific questions to ask them, they at least serve as role models. One can learn from and avoid their mistakes and follow their examples.

I’ve found this to be quite true. A while ago I went to a poly meetup group. It was held on a blistering hot July day. At the meetup, I was undoubtedly the youngest attendee besides the host’s children. Despite this, I was my usual personable self; I chatted with people, played volleyball in the pool, and even ran into a friend’s mom (who was thoroughly embarrassed). Toward the end of the get-together I sat down on a couch on the back porch with a glass of juice to cool off. Next to me on the couch was a woman wearing a black bathing suit, wrapped in a colorful sarong. We smiled at each other and then introduced ourselves. She told me about her husband and her boyfriend, and her job as a chef. We were soon joined by her husband and had a wonderful conversation about college and how they had met. We exchanged emails before I left and they (let’s call them Ro and Ed, for the sake of anonymity) invited me to come over for dinner sometime.

Since then I’ve spent some evenings at their house when I am home on break. The evenings are fun as well as insightful. Usually there are other people around when I’m over. Ro and Ed live in a big house and rent out the extra rooms. Their housemates are a boisterous, eclectic group that includes an army veteran and some local college students. Ed and Ro have become mentors to me. I can ask them relationship and family advice, and I get to hear their stories about their lovers, mistakes, and general experience. Their advice and stories are not solely about “poly stuff.” Sometimes R and I cook delectable meals. Sometimes Ed shows documentaries to raise environmental awareness in the younger housemates. Once, Ed’s lover gave a poignant, in-depth lecture on the history and causes of the conflicts in the Middle East, while the four of us in the audience stared, mouths agape, shocked at our previous ignorance.

Most of all, I value their role as mentors when it comes to polyamory. Until I met Ed and Ro, all I had to go by was the limited experience of my two boyfriends and myself.  Their advice has helped me avoid some sticky situations, and made me feel more comfortable and secure about my relationship choices.