Jealousy in a Poly Dynamic

Jealousy is a perfectly normal and rational emotion. Everyone experiences it in a variety of ways. Monogamous couples deal with it in what is typically regarded as a fear response. A husband is fearful that his wife's new male friend will be more desirable and therefore cause her to leave him a cuckold. While a wife may be fearful that her husband's new female friend will lead him astray, leaving her without the security that her marriage offers her, both in resources and in the emotional closeness that she has with her mate. Monogamy tends to face these issues from the perspective of fidelity, of faithfulness. What happens when a husband and wife expand their definition of fidelity? If it is acceptable to enter the realm of love with a male or female friend, then does it follow that jealousy is neutralized? The simple answer is . . . no.

Poly relationships are no more immune to jealousy than monogamous relationships. The jealousy simply manifests itself in different ways. In a basic poly triad, for example, there is always one person that is the “odd one out.” If B and C want to be together for an evening – alone – then where does that leave A? This applies to any variation of the A, B and C dynamic one can think of. A may now experience jealousy that B and C have expressed a preference for each other, leaving him out. In his poly world, however, this coupling of B and C is a part of the life they have all chosen, and so what does he have to be jealous about? Franklin Veaux has defined the role of jealousy in poly relationships in his writings as:

“Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship.”

This definition is applicable to all relationships – but most especially to poly relationships because it gets to the point of jealousy as the symptom of something bigger. In our poly triad of A, B and C – the underlying cause of A's jealousy of B and C being together alone for an evening is the insecurity that comes with being left out. If this is something that happens frequently then A may even be feeling mistreated by B and/or C – or even threatened by their coupling. These core emotions have led him to a place of jealousy, where he is acting – or rather reacting. This type of insecurity may be more commonplace in a triad where there are an odd number of partners, though an experienced member of a quad, when asked, stated “Even with an even number [it] didn't help because there's one that wants to do their own thing, while two will run off to have an evening and that still leaves one on the outside.”

The question then becomes, if poly relationships are prone to jealousy just as the monogamous relationships i.e. the “nuclear family” then what can be done? Communication of course, is a key component in any relationship. In instances of jealousy, however, communication isn't easy. Jealousy is a volatile topic, there's a lot of room for misunderstanding. In our triad example, A should be as sure as possible of the underlying cause of his jealousy before he attempts communication with B and C. For their part, B and C should, whenever possible remember that even if they don't feel the insecure or jealous feelings are valid, that simply doesn't change what A is feeling, and as such an exploration of the bigger picture is called for.

Polyamorous people are not less prone to jealousy, in fact there are some that are more jealous than monogamous people I know. Its simply that in polyamory, jealousy is recognized not as something that might happen and is to be hidden, but rather as something that will happen and should be worked through. The poly community is rife with resources to that end. Franklin Veaux's site contains useful articles on jealousy – like the one quoted above – as well as the poly fave “How to Become a Secure Person.” Also, there is the article “The 12 Pillars of Polyamory” by Ken Haslam, the podcast Polyamory Weekly hosted by Cunning Minx – but perhaps most important is the community itself. Forums such as those found at polyamoryonline.org are an invaluable resource to someone that is trying to get at the root cause before communicating with their loves about how to address the ever dreaded “Green Eyed Monster.”