Remember weekends in college? Get drunk, wander around between parties, make out with a few people, then wake up in your dorm bed, or on someone's couch, or in some front yard, fully clothed with marker drawings all over your arms and no recollection of getting there? Well, I’ve never been one to follow the beaten path. I find alternative weekend activities.
Last weekend some friends and I biked about two miles off campus, over to a field behind the Weiss, and had a campfire. We brought guitars and drums and roasted marshmallows. We talked about life, stress, goals, the job market, family, roommates, etc. Just regular college stuff.
Around 2am I was ready to call it quits. I was dead tired and my toes were numb from the cold. I would have rather stuck nails through my thumbs than bike the distance back to campus in the dark and freezing cold by myself. Fortunately I have a friend who lives nearby our temporary campsite. I walked my bike out of the woods and across the street to her house. She and her neighbors were having a grand old time drinking and tickling each other. She greeted me with a hug, a smile, and an invitation to crash there for the night. So I did.
A while ago I came out to this friend as polyamorous. After her initial “what the heck is that and why are you doing it?” and my subsequent explanation, she was intrigued and curious. “How does it work?” she’d ask. “What do you do when you get jealous? Do the three of you hang out together? Do you know the other people they are dating?” I answered her questions calmly and thoughtfully. Now, it’s a normal topic of conversation between the two of us.
So that evening she left the tickle war and we snuggled down in her double bed, beneath a warm down comforter as fluffy as cumulus clouds. We started chatting about plans for the upcoming winter break. “Three weeks till I see [my lovers]!” I exclaimed as enthusiastically as I could, given my sleepy state.
“You sound so excited! I’m a little jealous.” She paused for a moment and then announced, “I think I could do it. I think I could be poly.”
I couldn’t see her face as she laughed at my shocked expression; her long black curly hair and beige t-shirt were only vague blobs of color. I scrambled for my glasses and shoved them up my nose. She was giggling at the look on my face.
Then she told me how she likes several people. She wouldn’t necessarily be okay with those people seeing people close to her (like me), so she wasn’t quite sure. But she wanted to give it a try if the opportunity presented itself. “I don’t think I would want to date two people who were friends, and I think I’d have a hard time hanging out with the other people they date. But, I’d be okay with everyone knowing each other. And I love that idea of an ‘extended network of lovers and friends’ you talk about.
“If I were to come out as poly, I wouldn’t want to have a big announcement, like some people do when coming out of the closet. I would want it to come up in conversation, me to mention it, and then people to simply accept it or ask questions. I think I’ve always had the predisposition but had no exposure to it until I met you. I think I could make it work.”
When she told me this, I was surprised! Now that I think about it, it makes sense. She has been listening to me talk about polyamory as if it is the most normal thing in the world. Polyamory is an alternative to monogamy, viable if it feels right and monogamy isn’t working out that well.
We talked for a while before I succumbed to the waves of tiredness washing over me. In the morning I reminded her that although polyamory isn’t all about the sex, being safe about sex is pivotaly important (it’s probably not a bad idea to also be conscientious, responsible, truthful with yourself, a clear communicator, in touch with your emotions, open to new experiences, sex positive, and decent at time-management)!
Yesterday we drove to the Planned Parenthood a few towns over (the only one with available appointments) to get screened for STI's. The nurse practitioner, a cheerful, petite lady with silver-brown hair, talked so much I could barely get a word in edgewise.
“I’m proud of you girls for doing this! If I had daughters I would love to have them be as responsible as you. But I don’t have daughters, I have sons. They’re all grown up and I’m an empty nester. Your mother raised you well… Now, dear, just relax.” She continued to babble as she stuck her head between my legs.
She finished, led me across the hallway, and sat me down in a chair to have blood drawn. The phlebotomist’s hands were warm and deft; I barely felt the needle as it drew a teaspoon of blood out of my arm. Both women furrowed their brows when they saw I had checked off the box next to “multiple partners” on the HIV risk assessment and subjected me to a bevy of questions and a lecture about safe sex. I smiled at their concern and politely listened. My friend and I left grinning with positive energy from the happy people there.
On the car ride back, my friend came up with the metaphor that polyamory and sex are like couch-surfing (one of her hobbies): “Each experience is vastly different. You can have multiple people involved. You need to talk about it. People use it as a means to different ends. People have different mindsets about it. You need to take precautions so you can stay safe.”
So, what do we say when friends ask about polyamory? I’ve found it’s easiest to answer honestly; people are inclined to have a favorable view of the things that make their friends happy.
Different people like different things, and different people live different ways. As I’ve said, some college students like to get wasted every weekend, while some like to make campfires in the freezing cold. Some people are monogamous, and some are non-monogamous. Life offers many options. There’s no need to lock yourself in one box. We each do what works for us, and some of us haven’t found what works yet. So good luck to everyone still searching. Don’t forget: use your common sense and be safe.
Categories: Submissions Tags: personal story, polyamory, Submissions, self awareness, affection, college, sexuality