Both my significant others left in October (and are coming back in December), so this left me feeling pretty affection-deprived until recently. Maybe it is just the culture at my school, but I've noticed that fewer and fewer people are comfortable being touchy-feely with each other beyond hello and goodbye hugs. I started wondering... how do we cultivate relationships in which touching is okay, especially since it isn't a big part of the culture we live in?
A few weeks ago I approached some friends, and asked how they felt about the above question. So far, it has worked out well! The people I approached were all pretty receptive. They continue to be more than willing to snuggle, hold hands, and show more affection in general.
Once that "no touching" boundary was broken down, these friendships became much freer; there is now more laughing, and personal or slightly taboo topics are easier to talk about. There are no more awkward "oops, sorry!" moments when we bump into each other. One particularly nice moment was when a friend and I took a bus home for this Thanksgiving break. For the majority of the ride, we just sat with legs across laps, holding hands and chatting. It was quite a long bus ride, so we fell asleep after a few hours, snuggled up in the uncomfortable bus seats. When we woke up, we had a good laugh when we realized that the people in the seats across the aisle probably thought we were going out.
Being a polyamorist in college can be really difficult. Because of the taboos on non-monogamy in most of the United States, it is a little known fact among friends and family that I have two significant others. Someday I hope I can introduce my parents to the people I love (whomever and whatever number) without inducing heart attacks and bouts of lectures about the dangers of sleeping with multiple partners (right now I’m letting them get over the shock that I like girls).
I also have a hard time meeting poly people my age. There aren't very many ways for us college polys to connect with poly peers. I've searched high and low to find, meet and connect with poly people my age. I've joined some poly groups on meetup.com and attended several poly munches (informal get-togethers over a meal, usually at someone's home), but at each one I have been undoubtedly the youngest person there. At the first one I went to, I was barely three years older than the hosts' oldest daughter! Although I can easily pass for much older than I am, I don't always want to.
In the two years since I discovered and embraced the word "polyamory" and its practice, I haven't found a single website or blog aimed at those of us in college. There are a plethora of fantastic resources for the general poly crowd. Once in a while, there is an article or television special about the rising practice of polyamory. But there are no social networking sites or other resources for polyamorists in their late teens and early 20's.
I’d love to see some sort of social or discussion group started. In highly populated areas with more active polyamory groups (Philadelphia, New York City, Seattle), starting an offshoot of the main group would be as simple as designating a few events for those under 30. In online discussion groups, it would also be easy to add a section specifically for younger poly people to talk.
At school it is a little harder. I don’t attend a small liberal arts school; I’m at a Big 10 University. I know that some small colleges (New College in Florida, for example) have a more accepting culture. Unfortunately, mine lacks this. On my campus, even the LGBTA groups have difficulty being tolerated by the general student body.
Although they are frequently lumped together, polyamory isn’t quite like the LGBTA movement; polyamory is often considered a choice. Polyamory isn’t covered under the equal protection act (as it is not a race, gender, or disability, etc.) and young activists of polyamory could face consequences of hurting their careers after school.
Despite this, it is possible to start a poly social group on campus. We can take advantage of the association between polyamory and the LBTA movement. LGBTA groups are already made up of open-minded people advocating for those who love. It is much easier to extend an already existing group, where there is a confirmed population of open-minded people, than to found an entirely new one. Most schools have an LGBTA center to act as an advocate and safe meeting space for LGBTA students. The one at my school has a library full of literature that includes some books on polyamory. Another discussion group among the many that already exist would be a safer alternative to bold activism.
Fortunately, the benefits of polyamory greatly outweigh the negative aspects. Otherwise, why would I put myself through this? There’s the fantastic fact that I’m in love with two people. They are wonderful friends and conversationalists. Through them, I’m part of an extended network of lovers, from which I’ve formed some deep friendships (and frubble just can’t be beat!). The necessity of clear communication has forced me to get in touch with my feelings and improve my communication skills and ability to articulate my thoughts.
So back to snuggling- since both my lovers are away, and it’s hard to meet people my age, I’m left with affectionate friendships. I’m glad I’ve fostered these friendships; they’re not a substitute for the intimacy of lovers, but it is a different, almost as wonderful type of closeness. And, I’ll keep looking for poly peers, even though I’m just a writer. I encourage those of you in college to reach out. Whether you start a poly discussion group on your campus or decide to write anonymously online, you’re helping all of us connect.
Categories: Personal Stories Tags: communication, polyamory, affection, college, Support