Imagination

Standing in the lunch line the other day, at the Free Spirit Alliance's Beltane event, of all places, a woman observed me dangling on the arms of my husband, Myrlyn, and my boyfriend, TheMadScientist. She took the opportunity to inquire:
 
"Excuse me, are the three of you a triad?"
 
We explained, "Um, it's a bit more complicated than that, but sure." [It always is.]
 
She then proceeded to start interrogating us at length, particularly TheMadScientist about our lives. She eventually got to the inevitable,"Don't you get jealous?" His response:
 
"No, not really. It actually makes me kind of squee."
 
Then at another recent gathering, this guy started hitting on my metamour, Griptiger, at a concert. He was a bit bewildered when she mentioned her boyfriend. "Wait, you have a boyfriend? Where is he?"
 
"Oh, I don't know. Probably over there hanging out with his hot wife."
 
"What?!?"
 
But my favorite recent exchange from the monogs came when my boyfriend described our week's plans to his father, who declared, "I can't even imagine a world in which your life is possible."
 
Whenever people react with this kind of disbelief, I always want to tell them that I can't imagine a world in which it is possible to have kids, a good stable monogamous marriage, and a good job, although I've heard rumors that it's possible.  As a childfree adult, I have some sympathy for monogamous folks who think that the poly life looks exhausting and incredibly complicated, because raising kids looks overwhelming to me.  Now, of course, I understand that there is a (supposedly supportive) normative social context for childrearing, whereas poly life is non-normative in most respects.  That said, I think straight men in our culture are taught to illicitly long for multiple female partners, so there is a foundation for at least imagining this trivial (and optional) dimension of poly life.
 

Well, for those who just can't imagine it, here's a description of the way we do poly on my Planet.  I live with my husband, Myrlyn, and his gay twin brother, MattNC, who I'm not in any way romantically involved with, but whom I consider Family.  Myrlyn has a girlfriend, Griptiger, and I have a boyfriend, TheMadScientist.  Griptiger and I tend to also collect random partners along the way, in typically poly friendcestuous fashion; both TheMadScientist and Griptiger are definitely on the look-out for other serious partners.  The four of us constantly hang out together and regularly appear in public as a group.  We try to schedule our dates so that if I'm with TheMadScientist, Myrlyn is with Griptiger and vice versa so that neither he nor I ends up feeling lonely.  The four of us go to events together and stay in a hotel suite with two technically separate rooms, but we're definitely not shy around each other.  Meanwhile, MattNC is dating two guys who are a married couple, and he seems to have been successfully absorbed into their relationship, spending about half his time at their house.  The two of them also come over to our place regularly, and the three of them tend to pile into one enormous bed.  Our relationship dynamics illustrate different ways of doing polyamory, but are all highly integrated.
 
It's not like we never get jealous, or like we never have scheduling problems.  We have occasional issues with both.  But is it really so hard to imagine a functional set of relationships in which people are allowed to love more than one person?  I've had monogamous friends ask me how I can possibly be okay with Myrlyn sleeping with other people.  I always shrug and tell them I've never worried about the sex.  If I'm already doing something else, it makes no difference to me if he has sex with someone else or has dinner with someone else, as long as the sex is safe.  It's him having relationships with other women that worries me--but not much.  I mean, he has friends other than me, and parents, and a twin brother--all distinct and special relationships in and of themselves.  Can't he have another distinct and special relationship with his girlfriend without that threatening our marriage?
 
I think it really comes down to relationship expectations.  The essential corollary of the oft-heard statement "polyamory doesn't work" is that "monogamy works."  I haven't seen much proof that this is true.  Statistically, monogamous people cheat on each other all the time, and it's a reasonable guess that at least one person in 50% of marriages has cheated on the other one--that's not counting all the non-marital infidelity that goes on.  Social scientists have reached the point where they pretty much unflinchingly declare any relationship that has lasted 20 years or longer to be a "success."  My boyfriend is irritated by his mother's persistent belief that me being married makes me more likely to break his heart, pointing out that he's had his heart broken again and again in monogamous relationships with girls who weren't married.  I'm not saying all relationships are doomed, but I am saying that human relationships are complicated and fragile things.  Yet locking your real relationship desires away in fear seems like an especially effective way to doom your relationships.  Meanwhile, accepting that relationships are fragile but trying to imagine and pursue the most satisfying relationships possible--while acknowledging the inevitable challenges--seems like the best way to ensure that relationships succeed.
 

 I don't have many very successful poly relationship role models. But I don't have many successful mono ones either. So I'm using my imagination.