Hey Annie:
Is it normal for me to feel the need to want to see someone else whenever my partner has a date with another lover? Sometimes I wonder if I am using another person not to be lonely. People talk about this as self care, especially because I do sometimes feel jealous. Am I just trying to “make things even”? I love my partner and want to spend as much time as possible together so it makes sense if I’m going to see others to do it during nights we’re not together, but sometimes I do feel - just - strange. I feel as if my partner has all the control in our relationship, and as if I have all the control in my secondary relationships, which doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to use people just to make myself feel better, but I do have a good time when I’m out with someone else. Ufff!
Better Off Alone...?
Hey Better Off:
Sounds like you’re getting to the heart of it, you’re asking all the right questions. Your feelings of doubt can be a good sign something needs your attention. I have a few suggestions that I hope will make you feel more balanced.
First I want to remind you that this life is not easy. Most people are prone to jealousy. We are taught that if someone wants to spend time with someone else it means they don’t want to spend time with us. You and your partner have decided that isn’t true for you but deciding doesn’t make those old feelings automatically go away.
The common wisdom in the community, straight from the pages of The Ethical Slut, is to do something nice for yourself on your partner’s night out. Spend time with friends or lovers, have a nice meal, a massage, masturbate, see a movie. Still, it’s good of you to question your motives. Are you spending time with people you really like because you really want to, or are you running away from your loneliness and jealousy? One way to know is to begin to take control of your schedule back; not that you ever lost it, you just let it get a little out of hand. You’ve been reacting to what’s happening “to” you rather than deciding what to do with your life and your time on your own. Talk to your partner about this. If s/he is spending too much time away that’s a conversation that needs to happen. Work together to decide what works for you both in your relationship.
Suggestion number one is to make a choice to spend some time alone. This happens little enough for anyone in our society, let alone poly people. Take a night for yourself, even if it’s just once a month and be with yourself. You may feel anxious and lonely during this time, but I promise, you will live. You may even learn to like it. Turn off your computer while you’re at it, and the phone too.
My second suggestion is that you take a real honest inventory of the people you are spending your time with and decide who among them is worth the precious resource you are spending on them. Time is the only thing you can never buy any more of. Spend it wisely. Do they make you laugh? Do they rock your body? Do they see who you are? Do you like them for who they are to you and not just for the space they fill on your calendar? If so, make a choice to spend time with them because you like it, not because you need someone to be with.
My final suggestion is to use some of your time away from your primary partner doing things that aren’t about lovers. Spend time with your family, with your platonic friends, take a ceramics class, go to yoga. Doing these things will keep you from focusing on the idea of “balancing” how much time your partner spends with lovers vs how much you do. All things ebb and flow. We are all flush sometimes. Life and love are journeys. Walk slowly and look around often or you will miss the scenery....
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Questions on your polyamorous relationship? Write to Annie here: annie@mappinglove.com