Hey Annie -- Issue #6

 Hey Annie,
 
 
My primary partner and I have been struggling with his latest romantic interest. I'm unsure how to handle it. We've been together for almost two years. I was openly poly when I met him. He was not and decided to go with me on this adventure. One of our guidelines has always been meeting anyone who becomes significant, who we see regularly. Until recently this has never been an issue, any secondary person in our lives has met our partner and we've met theirs if they have one. It's important to me to stand face to face and acknowledge our connection. Although friendships would be nice among everyone, I understand this is not always possible. I do believe respect and consideration is the responsibility of all involved. 
 
This new girl isn’t poly but she knows he is. She has stated that she can’t be poly and yet she continues to maintain a sexual romantic relationship with him. They've been seeing each other for over a month. When we’ve had problems during this time I have struggled more with it because I haven’t met her. I have requested this and she has said no. She does not feel that she has to meet me.
I feel betrayed by his wanting to continue to see her despite her complete disregard for our primary relationship.  I'm watching the turmoil it's causing him as he tries to make a decision. It's causing me hurt, fear and insecurity. I want to be able to give up my fear and insecurity about this woman and tell him its OK to keep seeing her without meeting her but I worry if I do that I'm betraying myself. I worry that if I ask him to make the decision to let her go he will resent me. We could use some advice here. What do you think?
 
Just Want to Meet Her....

 
Hey Just:
 
People are people, aren’t they? Poly people sometimes focus on The Other rather than on their partner, just like mono people do. You want much more than to meet her. You want your partner to keep his word. You want to know that the man you love is not sleeping with a woman who actively wishes you ill. You want to be in relationship with people who honor and respect you and your needs. It is not wrong to want these things, though you may not always get them. 
 
You and your partner agreed to a way of managing your relationship and he has not kept that agreement. The woman he is dating is right, she doesn’t have to meet you if she doesn’t want to. She didn’t promise you anything. She doesn’t owe you anything, however you might feel about that. Your partner owes you a decision. That could be an offer to stop seeing her, an insistence to her that she comply or he will stop, a conversation about changing the rules, and so on. At each turn of each of these choices you will each have more choices to make. She will have to decide if she’s going to accept the truth that he’s poly. He will have to decide if he’s going to continue seeing someone even if it hurts you. You will have to decide what to do when your partner wants to renegotiate the agreements you made. You’ll probably have to decide in a new way what “primary” means in your relationship. 
 
Poly or mono I call on people to be intentional and authentic in their relationships. Right now you, your partner & the woman he’s dating are not in alignment and you are all letting that just sort of happen to you. He knows he agreed not to do what he’s doing, but he isn’t renegotiating that, or keeping his word. You have feelings and desires you aren’t completely honoring, and you’ll struggle with that until your life is in alignment with your values. I can’t advise your partner because he didn’t write to me, or his the woman he’s seeing.  My advice to you is, tell your partner that you are ready for a conversation about how to reconcile each of your behavior with your values. Tell him how you are struggling and ask him to work with you to find a solution. Let him do most of the talking, asking open-ended powerful questions like:
 
What does primary mean to you?
How will you solve the disconnect between our agreement and your current choices?
What do you need in order to make a conscious choice?
 
Stick with this conversation until you both feel at peace with where you are, even if it takes weeks or months to get there together.
 
Annie Ory
Certified Whole Life Coach
Dating, Relationship & Greif Coach
Author, Authentic Dating
 
Questions about you polyamorous relationship? Wtire to annie here: annie@mappinglove.com