Hey Annie -- Issue #5

 Hey Annie:
I am having fun with my new (girl) friend but am well aware she's not “primary” material for me. She says she is fine with dating casually. I know girls sometimes say this and don't mean it, so what's my responsibility? To keep reminding her that it's not headed anywhere? That seems like such a buzz kill. She's. . . fine. I like seeing her once or twice a week, but have no desire to spend more time around her. We live in the same city and like the same places and are both poly and single. I have fun with her when we get together. I don't really think about her when she's not around. I’m dating someone else who seems more important to me. Of course they both know, and they both know I’m poly. How often do I need to bring this up?
Not That Into Her...
 

Hey Not:
Being polyamorous doesn’t mean falling head over heels in love with everyone you date. It does mean lots of talking, but hopefully not so much as to make actually spending time together and having fun secondary. Far be it from me to create a rule about how often you need to mention to your friend that you’re not that into her. One good rule I will offer is please don’t assume certain behaviors are specific to a gender. Sometimes guys say things they don’t mean as well. Sometimes people say they are OK when they’re not. Be present to signs your friend might be doing this, but unless you have evidence to the contrary, honor her by assuming she is telling you the truth. For all you know she’s not that into you either, or is perfectly fine with seeing how things unfold, or maybe she’ll grow on you. When you do talk with her, please, please, please don’t say you’re not into her. Just tell her what you told me, that you enjoy your time with her and that it’s enough for you. Tell her without excuses or extra information, let her hear you, and then trust her to do what is right with the information. If you begin to notice clear signals that she wants more, or she struggles to stay away from you and fails, then support her by not seeing her. If you stop having fun with her, stop seeing her. She’ll be fine. I am sure of it....
 
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Questions for Annie on your polyamorous relationship? Write to Annie here: annie@mappinglove.com