Hey Annie -- Issue #4

Hey Annie:
 
I have recently entered a relationship with a poly guy, my first. My guy is married and I have met his wife as is their rule. He is very committed to her, I have known that from the beginning, and he lives with her, obviously. I live alone. We see each other a couple of times a week and either talk or email every day. We probably spend around about 10 hours a week awake together. He sleeps at my house 1 time a week, on my weekend night. During the week if we see each other he sleeps at home. On occasion I go to his house to have dinner or to hang out with them both for what he calls an “extra” night. This is always at his request, I don’t ask for time with him at home. I’m not very needy and I’m open to seeing what happens and just taking it all in right now. I know his wife has at least one man she also dates because my boyfriend mentioned it to me once when we were talking about scheduling.
 
The thing that is hard for me is about my boyfriend’s wife.
 
She seems to be fine with me being in his life, but doesn’t seem to like me very much and doesn’t display the basic behaviors I am used to as a guest. She doesn’t ever ask me if I need something to drink, offer me a seat, or when she gets up to serve herself, or him, ask me if I need something too. She never asks me how I am or even talks to me much. It’s like she basically wants to pretend I’m not there. She’s not openly rude to me, she just isn’t very friendly. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel that I am intruding on her in her space and I find I don’t want to go over there. Is it right, or fair, or proper, in a poly relationship to just say to him I don’t want to go over there any more? I’m just not comfortable over there. I would rather have him come to my house or go out somewhere with him, or not have an “extra night.” Actually, I don’t want to assume I know how she feels about me, but I know I don’t like the way she treats me. I don’t know if I like her or not, because she never looks at me or talks to me so I don’t really know her. What do you think?
 
I’m With Him & (Not) With Her....

Hey With:
Wow! She sounds like a good time. I’m sorry you’re in that situation. I want to start by saying I disagree with one statement you made, that your boyfriend’s wife is not being “openly rude” to you. I would argue that is exactly what she is doing. No matter who is sleeping with whom you are a guest in her home and the treatment you’re receiving is abhorrent from the perspective of a host. If I were at another person’s home and s/he treated me in that manner you can be assured I would feel no desire to return even if faeries and unicorns lived there. Caring for the needs of guests, or at the very least explaining to them how to care for their own needs, is the responsibility of the hosts, both of them. This includes looking at and speaking to your guests and engaging them in normal social discourse. Whether or not we like our guests is not the point. Of course we all prefer the company of some people over others but behaving in ways that make others aware of their ranking in that regard is not only rude, it’s openly hostile. 
You are right to discard any assumption that she doesn’t like you. You have no way of knowing that unless she tells you and I don’t suggest asking. What I do suggest is that you tell your boyfriend that you are not comfortable and let the dialog unfold. He may have specific reasons for wanting you to spend time with him at home, or he may just assume that you would naturally want to. Maybe he enjoys being with both of you together, though why he hasn’t noticed and addressed the issue is a question only he can answer. 
When you talk to him about it be very careful with how you talk about his wife’s behavior. Be honest, but be kind and gentle. It’s honest to say, “I feel uncomfortable” but choose your words with care if you explain why. Remember that you don’t really know this couple very well and you have no idea what relational dynamic brought them to this place. Try to hear what he says without judgment and do what you’re already doing with regard to the relationship, see what unfolds. As for what is normal in poly relationships, if I know anything about poly people it’s that there is no normal. 
Another approach would be to simply say “no thank you” the next time he invites you to his house. If he questions you about the reasons you can talk about it. No matter how you choose to approach the discussion I hope you’ll express clearly that you don’t want to hang out with him at home with his wife under these conditions. 
Finally, if and when you do go, face the situation with grace and forthrightness. Smile and look at her when you speak. Use her name. Ask her politely for a refill when you see her get up to serve herself. If the behavior escalates in the face of this change on your part, simply ask her if she would rather you leave or if there is something you can do to make her feel more comfortable. Any hint of overt aggression and you head for the safety and comfort of home. If there is a fight in the works about this, it is between your boyfriend and his wife and you should not be a part of it. It would be easy for anyone reading your letter to jump to judgment about what’s going on here, but I won’t even speculate, and neither should you. Your job is to be as happy as is possible while respecting the needs of others and spending time with your boyfriend at home is clearly not working for almost anyone...
 
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Questions for Annie on your polyamorous relationship? Write to Annie here: annie@mappinglove.com