Hey Annie -- Issue #3

 Hey Annie:
 
I am poly and am in a committed loving relationship with one person. We are both dating others and I am having a problem that embarrasses and confuses me. 
 
I make a lot more money than my boyfriend. In mono relationships I’ve always believed that when you live with someone it’s share and share alike and I mostly feel that way now too. I run into problems when my boyfriend is dating others and taking them out to dinner and drinks and clubs and I’m paying for it. I’ve thought about this every way to Sunday and I can’t come up with a solution. If I stop helping to support my boyfriend his quality of life will suffer in ways that go beyond dating. If we separate our money and he pays what he can toward the house but continues to date, then he still realistically has less to pay toward the household if he’s spending money on dating. Telling him he can’t pay when he dates feels like putting a leash on him and I hate the idea of that. I fear it will put him in embarrassing social situations and cause resentment and distance. I don’t want to keep him from dating, but I do struggle with the idea of paying for it. I feel like I’m running in circles in my head. 
 
I enjoy dating and I want him to have that joy as well. I enjoy living fairly well, though I’m certainly not wealthy, and I want to share that with him. I enjoy having a sense of financial security and that’s where I start going in circles. If I had enough money to never worry this would not be an issue for me, but I don’t. I am supporting him in doing work that he loves, and is very good at, that could someday be very lucrative but right now isn’t. My worst nightmare is that I pay for years when he’s struggling and then when he makes it he leaves me for someone younger and I’ve spent my money supporting him, get nothing back and am left old and alone and with less money than I would have had to support myself, and no one to help me. He has more time to save for retirement, I’m older than him. This dating issue seems to represent this fear in my head. How do I find my way through this?
 
Older, But No Wiser
 

 
Dear Older,
I beg to differ. You are wise beyond your years. It takes huge wisdom to know you can’t leash a lover with money. It takes wisdom to understand that sharing is love. It takes wisdom to know when you’ve bumped up against a wall you can’t get over or around in predictable, easy ways. The wise know they don’t have all the answers.
 
I want to warn you there is no one-size-fits-all-easy-do-it-yourself-standardized-poly answer for your dilemma. Would that there were. Rules are cool. They are simple and clear. Don’t drive too fast. Don’t cheat on your taxes. Pay your bills on time. Romance is more complicated and poly romance is more complicated squared. Mutually agreed upon rules about simple things can help, and are good guidelines for some poly people. They help establish a mutual understanding between the people involved so that they can avoid some unnecessary painful experiences. Rules can’t save us from all discomfort though, and I agree that in some situations they can cause more harm than good. I agree with you in your assumption that making a rule that your boyfriend can’t spend your money on other people, while perfectly fair on it’s face, is a recipe for resentment and could possibly create a situation where your boyfriend’s commitment to honesty is challenged. What if he gets embarrassed at not being able to pick up a drink tab and pays? What if he’s afraid or ashamed to tell you after? What if he loses a potentially good partner because the other person thinks he’s cheap, or selfish, or rude? What if he follows the rule and lives with the consequences and leaves you anyway for completely unrelated reasons, or, you leave him? You don’t get to know the end of the story. All you get to do is decide how to live the story today, as well as you can. 
 
My advice is to talk this out with your partner until the two of you come up with a plan that works for you both for now. Tell your partner about your fears. Tell him about your desire to be a good and generous person. Tell him what you want for him. Tell him where you get stuck and give him an opportunity to design a solution with you. This solution should be built from a conversation about money in general and what it means to you to support someone and what you expect in return for that support. This will not be an easy conversation, but it will be valuable and meaningful. If you both approach it with honesty, respect and love it doesn’t have to be contentious. It can be a beautiful intimate dance between you that leaves you both feeling more loved and more secure and more in love with one another. 
 
My rule for conversations like this is to be clear and clean with words:
 
When describing behaviors don’t use extra words that judge, just describe the exact behavior (example: ‘when you raise your voice’ as opposed to ‘when you scream’).
 
When describing your feelings don’t use words that fit between ‘you’ and ‘me’ - for example: don’t say, “I feel threatened” (as in ‘you’ ‘threatened’ ‘me’). Instead say I feel afraid or fearful. Other words that fit between ‘you’ and ‘me’ are ‘cheated’ ‘ignored’ ‘belittled’ - you get the idea - look for the feeling underneath that word. 
 
When you ask for something ask for specific behaviors and remember that you can ask, but not demand, behavior from another person. You can set boundaries and consequences for ignoring them, but do this sparingly. 
The money, and I sense you know this, is actually not the issue. If you were both broke the fear that you may be abandoned would still be present. That said I can understand how hard it would be to have to pay someone else’s dating tab. I refused to do it when my son was young even though he argued long and hard for how unfair that was. 
 
The solutions include, but are not limited to: each of you has a budget for personal expenditures to spend as you please; your boyfriend gets a part time job to pay for dating & other things you don’t want to cover; he agrees to set up his dating life so that he invites dates to do things that don’t cost money; he pays you back in the form of some service for the money he spends; and many more. When seeking options, cast the net wide, and let him do most of the talking. It allows you both to feel like you’re in this together. How people blend their financial lives is no different from how they blend the rest of their lives. It requires a blend of generosity and self interest and is a dance that is both complicated and beautiful...
 
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Questions for Annie on your polyamorous relationship? Write to Annie here: annie@mappinglove.com