Hey Annie -- Issue #2

Hey Annie:
 
I am a polyamorous man in a committed relationship with my primary partner, a woman, for 5 years. We have been poly for almost the entire 5 years having made a choice to build that freedom to love others into our lives together. We have each had lovers, mostly short term, none longer than a year. We have shared lovers on occasion but mostly end up dating others separately.
 
I have had moments of jealousy on this journey and so I know what that feels like. Recently my girlfriend started dating a man she really likes. I have met him several times and I am really struggling because I REALLY don’t like him. I don’t feel jealous, even though she is very excited about him and really enjoying her time with him. She still takes care of our relationship and her connection with me so it’s not that. I just don’t know what to do. We have always been pretty open with the way we talk about our lovers and in keeping with this pattern she mentions things he said and did and I cringe with irritation. I hesitate to tell her not to talk to me about him, as I wouldn’t care for that rule. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? What am I supposed to do about it? I want her to be happy but I also really (kinda) wish he would screw up so she would start seeing someone else. If this guy wasn’t sleeping with my favorite person I would never have anything to do with him. I certainly wouldn’t hang out with him. I don’t want him in the house and I dislike myself and the way I feel when he’s around.
 
What About Bob (Drives Me Nuts)?
 
 
Hey Nuts:
 
What can I say? That sucks. I wish that wasn’t happening for you.
 
I am going to challenge a couple of common assumptions here. The first is that if you love someone you will/should enjoy the same people they do. It’s just not so and we would all be so much happier in life if we could be with what is instead of what “should” be. The other is that a routine that works most of the time will work all of the time. You and your girlfriend normally talk pretty openly about your metamours, great, but you don’t have to make a habit a rule. If it’s not working for you now let that be OK.
 
I’m going to assume that you know yourself and this has nothing to do with jealousy. Sometimes when our partner makes a choice that we wouldn’t make we resist that choice for them. The first thing I’d ask you to examine is if something about this person strikes you as being bad for your girlfriend or your relationship? I’m not suggesting that you use this as an excuse to tell her who to see. I’m suggesting that you look deep to see if there is something that is trying to make itself known. When you’ve done that, and if you come up with no honest reason to ask her to reexamine the relationship, then do what you need to do to find peace with this. That could look like a lot of things.
 
The patient approach says to see it as temporary, he may not be around forever or you may learn not to be bothered by him so much or she may come to moderate her sharing about him. Meanwhile you can mitigate the discomfort by telling her, gently, the authentic truth about what you’re going through. Using your own words say some version of: “I’m happy you’re happy. I’m not as enamored of this guy as you are. I’m working on it. Can I have some space from conversations about him for a while?” Keep it simple, keep it clean, keep it from being about her or her choices, or for that matter even about him, because I can tell from your letter that you already know this about you.
 
Finally I want to say that in spite of what the final words in your letter say, this doesn’t make you a bad person, or ever a bad poly person. Sometimes the chemistry just doesn’t work. It’s no one’s fault. It just is. The real magic is in how often it does and magic wouldn’t be so wonderful if it were guaranteed....
 
Annie Ory
 
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
 
Questions for Annie on your polyamorous relationship? Write to Annie here: annie@mappinglove.com