Hey Annie-- Issue #18

Truth or Consequences...

Hey Annie:

My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years. He was been poly when we met but I was not. We tried opening our relationship about 3 years ago and it went badly, so we held off for a while until last summer. He met a poly couple and took me to meet them. The husband and I hit it off and I dived right into a relationship with him and don’t regret it. Shortly afterward the husband had to leave for work for a few months. My partner was seeing his wife and she and I became good friends.

I have always found women very attractive, but never imagined a real relationship, and even friendship is difficult for me because of past hurts. I identify as hetero-flexible. Shortly after my secondary partner left, his wife, my partner and I had a threesome. This was my first sexual interaction with a woman and I was amazed at how much I wanted it and liked it. She also identifies hetero-flexible, has had sex with women, but with lots of drama and pain afterward.

She also went away for a while, and that was when I found out that my partner had been seeing her before he introduced me to them. He started a poly relationship with this woman without telling me about it, in spite of having agreed to talk before beginning relationships. This has hurt me a lot, but because I really care for this woman I was willing to forgive and forget. The forgiveness has happened, but the forgetting hasn't as it continues to plague me.

Now, 6 months later I find myself in love with this woman, a feeling I've never experienced before. I know she really cares about me too, and perhaps loves me, but neither of us has ever had a relationship with another woman. We still have threesomes with my partner, and have even had one with her husband (though it didn't feel the same), and have been increasingly physical with each other, but only in the bedroom. We rarely kiss outside the bedroom, cuddle a little, and I always initiate contact. I sometimes feel like she doesn't want to be around me while I can't seem to get enough of her. She talks to my partner about me and he says she says lots of good things about me. I know she's adjusting to all this, and so am I, but I feel like I want to take the relationship out of the bedroom, and yet I'm terrified that I'll lose her if I push her too far, too fast. I do experience feelings of jealousy when she and my partner spend time together, but oddly enough I'm jealous that he gets to spend time with her, not that she's taking him away from me. I do discuss this with my partner and he does his best to reassure me and help me through this, but I'm just so confused.

How do I overcome my own feelings of fear? Should I push her further (gently)? And how can I balance the feeling of betrayal that's been bothering me for 6 months with the love I feel for both of them? I know it's not her fault what happened, my partner lied to her too by saying I was okay with it. I just want to be able to let it go and I can't seem to do it. Everything just seems so confusing and I don't want to hurt anyone while I try to figure it out, but the longer it takes, the more it seems like I will.

Confused In Love

Hey Confused:

You actually have two separate issues here. Your partner lied to you, he cheated on you and he manipulated you. And, you think you're in love with a woman and don't know what to do about it. Let's separate these two issues.

First you need to deal with the issue of your partner's egregious betrayal of your trust. It doesn't matter if he’s polyamorous, cheating is cheating and if you're having sex outside your committed relationship without the knowledge and consent of your committed partner you're cheating. You have to decide if and how you can trust this man again, after all, what else might he lie about? Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. When your partner lies to you he takes away your right to choose what kind of relationship you want. You don't say how you found out that he was involved with her before you met the other couple, if he told you, or she did, but you seem pretty sure that neither she nor her husband knew you were being lied to. Let that be some comfort. It's wonderful that you've forgiven him, but can you trust him? The Giant Red Flag for me is the way your boyfriend actively, intentionally manipulated you. He created a situation in which you would, believing you could trust him to tell the truth, do what he wanted you to do, become polyamorous for him. Be clear that he didn't do this for you, or for your relationship, he did it for himself. While you feel good about where you are now you are not without cause in feeling badly about how you got here. Unless and until he does some serious work on his personal integrity, or obvious lack thereof, you should not trust him. If you stay with him, do it knowing you're staying with someone who, having lied, cheated and manipulated his way to what he wants, is now reaping the benefits of that without consequence. As humans go, that doesn't bode well for future trustworthiness.

I suggest that you get yourself to a poly friendly therapist. Should your partner refuse to go, I suggest you go alone and seriously consider ending this relationship. I also want you to seriously take a look at your own part in all this. You weren't poly but you entered into a relationship with someone who was. You've never had a polyamorous experience that your partner hasn't spoon fed you and even your new found love for this woman sprang from his involvement with her. That’s not wrong by the way, but worth looking at. Being polyamorous is not an easy path, or one to be chosen lightly. You have to choose, for yourself, that you are and want to be polyamorous regardless of your partner and what he wants. One way to separate yourself and your desires from him and his is to date people outside his circle of influence. Choose your own partners for your own reasons. I have a sneaking suspicion your partner will not want that. His tendency to manipulate gives me reason to think he likes being in control. On a side note - don't trust what he tells you about her and what she says to him. He may have ulterior motives for wanting you to think she cares about you. Get your information about her feelings directly from her.

It is not uncommon for bisexual women to be uncertain what role to play in relationships with women. Some bisexual women are more submissive with men but take the opportunity in relationships with other women to express their more assertive side. Some still like to be pursued. It is my belief that the surest way to fulfillment in love is to be authentic and ask for what you want. If you want to see her on your own, ask her out. If she declines you'll have your answer. Because you say you're in love with her, ask her to dinner and while you're out together alone ask her directly what her feelings are and what she wants. Trust your gut. If neither of you has ever had sex with a woman without "finishing" with a man, you'll need to explore if you find that satisfying and how your feelings for one another develop without either of your male partners present. This exploration may take you nowhere, as she may not want to engage with you without a man involved. If that's true, you'll need to process your feelings for her and then explore your blooming bisexuality with someone else. I have to say that your willingness to let your boyfriend be in control of when you see her doesn't give me a warm fuzzy about your future with her. He's manipulative and that's his responsibility, but your willingness to be manipulated can't be ignored. You may find that if you separate this woman from your boyfriend you aren't really in love with her. My prescription, in this order:

1. Let your partner know that you have serious questions about his integrity and trustworthiness and that you intend to see a therapist and want him to go with you.

2. Start therapy with or without him and renegotiate your relationship with him until you can trust him to tell you the truth .

3. Stop seeing this couple and ask your partner to do the same until you've discussed it thoroughly with your therapist and come to a mutual understanding honestly.

4. Start dating without your partner and notice how that feels for both you and him.

5. If you continue to have strong feelings for this woman, see her separately from your partner for a while and develop your individual relationship with her.

6. Use this opportunity to start making serious decisions about who you choose to be in relationship with and take control of your own love life. Individual therapy or coaching is a wonderful tool for such an exploration and will help you to discover what you want and who you want to be.

Good luck to you with all of this. I don't envy you the choices you have to make, but I guarantee you'll grow and learn and that isn't a bad thing. In fact, it's probably the best thing about being polyamorous...

Annie Ory

Certified Whole Life Coach

Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach

Author, Authentic Dating

Questions for Annie on your polyamorous relationship? Write to Anine here: annie@mappinglove.com.