Question:
Hey Annie:
I just started seeing this poly girl who's been seeing her boyfriend a long time. We've had around 3 dates, but they're mostly with him around. He's a nice guy and I like him OK, but it's kind of weird because she's pretty affectionate with him and not so much with me and I feel a little neglected. I'm new at trying this poly thing, and I think she is too, though he isn't. So I'm trying to be open minded about it, and I'm not freaking out, but I feel a little funny, and I'm not sure if this is normal or a sign I should call it off. What gives? Is it normal that all our dates are with him around?
- A (Poly?) Guy With a (Poly?) Girl
Answer:
Hey (Poly?) Guy:
Are you sure you're dating? Are you sure she's poly? Are you sure she wants to date and that she wants to date you? Have you thought about asking her any of these questions? Do you talk to her at all about your thoughts and desires, or hers, when you're together? I don't know what your friend's agreements are with her partner or what she wants with/from you so I can't imagine why your relationship with her is unfolding this way but I do know how to find out: Ask her. Or better yet, tell her what you would like instead. The 3 things you seem to want: Signs of affection - Dates without the boyfriend - An explanation of what is "normal" for poly people - I can help with the first 2, the 3rd is like puppies on the moon, no such thing. Even if I could tell you what is "normal" for poly people I would hope you wouldn't accept it if it didn't make you happy. What all this boils down to is not what is normal but what makes you happy. If you like the girl and spending time with her alone would make you happy then ask her on a date alone. Be clear. It would sound something like this: Would you have dinner with me on Friday night, just the two of us? Can I take you the museum on Thursday to see the Picasso show, just the two of us? Would you like to go with me to a party Saturday at my friend's house, just you and I? If you're seeing a theme here, then I'm getting through. It doesn't matter if your partner is poly, mono or a Martian the most effective way to get what you want in a relationship is to ask, unless what you want is to remain confused and to expend lots of time and energy trying to guess what's going on in your partner's head. The same can be said for affection, ask for what you want. Affection is also a two way street. If you want kisses, kiss her. I will give you that poly or not it would be hard, harder than usual, to lean in for that first magical kiss in front of her boyfriend, or anyone. Which leads me back to what might be going on with her. I have no way of knowing, that's why it's best to ask, but human beings can be predictable too. Guesses: She doesn't really want to be poly and is parading you around in front of her boyfriend to try to make him jealous - She and he have an agreement that they don't get serious about anyone until they both know them well and this her process for that - She doesn't have any better idea what she's doing than you do - She is waiting for you to ask her out and wonders why you keep hanging around with her and her boyfriend - She’s not really interested in you and is just being nice - It seems perfectly normal to her and she just likes to take her time - The possibilities are endless. Talk to the girl. Don't look for "signs" you should call it off. Your interpretation of what she's doing may be totally different from her internal process so signs are not useful. You should call it off when you don't like being around her or you don't feel you're getting what you need from the relationship. Meanwhile, if you're having fun, then do that, have fun....
Annie Ory Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
Questions for Annie on your polyamorous relationship?
Write to Annie here (annie@mappinglove.com)